| Dear Sean,
You said yesterday that it's neat (I think you actually
said "cool") to have a youth speaker for a father.
There aren't too many kids who have their own private
in-house counsellor, right?
Well, I like having a "cool" son
like you too. But listen, I'm not so sure about playing
the role of in-house counsellor. The question you
asked me is not all that easy to answer, but a classic.
"How far is too far?" in being
physical with girls you date. At first glance, the
question seems a little like asking "How big is big?"
or "When is enough enough?" You're not the first guy,
or girl for that matter, to struggle with the question.
And the answer you come up with, will automatically
answer many of the questions that follow. It will
also help you keep your head clear when you're flying
high in the thin air of romance.
Son, everyone is different. We're
different spiritually, physically and emotionally.
That's why it is often so difficult to draw conclusions
in this area for someone else.
Nevertheless, as a starting point,
I know you have a desire that Jesus Christ be Lord
of your life in this area too, so we should begin
be looking to the Bible for advice. It's interesting
to me that beyond the clear warning against sexual
intercourse outside marriage, there isn't much else
written in Scripture on this subject. That's not surprising,
however, because at the time it was written, Jewish
men and women hardly saw each other before marriage.
The opportunity for anything sexual to happen just
wasn't there - even causal sexual contact, and certainly
not petting.
Probably the best insight the
Bible gives is in 1 Thessalonians 4:6 when it encourages
us not to "transgress" a brother (or sister) in the
sexual are of our lives. What does "to transgress"
mean? It means "to go beyond the limits." Take for
example, Son, an Olympic swimming race. The judges
line up all the swimmers at one end of the pool and
tell them they must swim in their own lane between
two painted lines. If they swim over one of the lines
they are disqualified. In other words, they "transgress."
They go outside the boundaries or limits set for them.
Sean, remember I wrote you about
how God's laws set loving limits for us. It's His
way of protecting and providing for you. This is so
true in sex. The lanes in a swimming pool are not
to hinder you, but rather to protect
you from another swimmer who might collide with you
and to provide you the best chance to win.
You might say that God gave you a moral lane to lice
in sexually - to both protect and provide
for you. God placed sex within the boundaries of a
husband and wife in the loving context of marriage.
"How far is too far?" Son, whenever
you cause yourself or the one you're with to desire
to go "all the way," you've transgressed. You've
created the desire to get outside the limits for sex
that God has set.
Petting these days gets defined
a lot of different ways. Look at petting in the light
of transgressing or going beyond the limits. But just
so we both know what we're talking about, let's use
the term to refer to touching the breasts and genitals.
But even within this definition there's a lot of elbow
room. Touching a girl's breast through her clothing
is a lot different than lying naked together. Concerning
various specific action like these outside marriage,
the Bible is silent. Nothing is said about holding
hands, kissing, hugging, French kissing, or any of
the other things we would call sexual activity. All
these things fall into sort of a grey area. I would
put them in the "do not transgress" area.
What I know you're looking for,
and what everyone wants, is for someone with "authority"
to step up and draw a hard and fast line and say,
"OK, everything up to here is fine. But you can't
past this point as a Christian without violating God's
will." It sounds nice and simple, but the reason it
doesn't work for everyone is the fact that people
are different and react very differently in the same
situations. Some action that is very sexy to one person
may create only a mild reaction in another. This is
especially true in the sexual response differences
between guys and girls.
A girl, for example, may simply
receive a pleasant feeling from brushing up against
a guy, while the effect on the guy could be to get
all kinds of wild thoughts going through his head.
A guy or a girl who comes from
a home where very little love is expressed or whose
parents are divorced can be crying out for love. They
are vulnerable, son, to the physical expression of
love. Often with people so hurting for love, an "innocent"
kiss or embrace can be too far. It can ignite in them
sexual feelings to go all the way.
Sean, this guide ("do no transgress")
related also to the kind of videos you watch, the
kind of music you listen to, the parties you choose
to go to, and even the way you dress. The above situations,
when sensually motivated, can cause you or the one
you're with to transgress.
So, in all honestly, there's no
magic line which you can go racing up to, dangle over,
and be perfectly free as long as you don't go over
it.
Actually, the better question
to ask is this one:
"How far should I (or we) go?" What are those honest,
caring actions I use to show my true feelings to my
date? What actions honestly express how much I care
about and am committed to my date at this point in
our relationship - not, what would satisfy my desires
at this time? It's not so much "How far is too far?"
but "What is honest , righteous and best for where
we are right now?"
I used that word "righteous" on
purpose, because if there was ever a single guideline
that could safely lead you in almost every situation,
it's simply this: You can happily share all those
physical contacts which don't raise desires in either
you or your girlfriend which cannot be righteously
fulfilled. The Bible says that God is righteous in
all His ways. This means that He desires us to be
"righteous" in all our ways and relationships.
Do you understand what this means?
I know this is difficult to get at, but let's say
a couple is touching or kissing and it's causing either
of them to want to move on to something of which they
know God wouldn't approve. Or they know their actions
would lead to frustration in the relationship, especially
in the emotional part. If this is the case, no matter
how "beautiful" the feelings seem, that action can't
be "right". In other words, those feelings cause one
to desire that which He intended for a couple in marriage.
Therefore, they transgressed.
To work out what this means in
real life, let's consider several things at a time:
The first is the issue of getting
in touch with your own (and your date's) emotions,
passions, and the reasons why you do things. It usually
starts so slowly that you don't realise it's happening,
but when either one begins to raise their own desires
above what is right and spiritually healthy for the
other person, they've transgressed or crossed an important
"line".
A second issue is to apply the
basic Biblical commandment to "love on another." We're
not talking sex here. We're talking the 1 Corinthians
Chapter 13 kind of love which unselfishly seeks out
God's very best for a brother or sister in Christ.
Before that girl you're dating is anything else -
friend, love or whatever, she is a child of God and
special and precious in His sight.
Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 to see
what should be "right attitudes and actions in a dating
relation. If you really want to be personal, put your
name in the place of the word love each time it is
used. This makes what is "right" very personal in
a dating relationship.
The third key issue is to recognise
that the reason physical affection between a guy and
girl is so exciting is because God made it that way.
It's a basic desire, although it's not a basic need.
And it is progressive in nature - one stage always
naturally leads to the next.
Recently, a friend helped a high
school girl figure out a chart on the progression.
It was a project for their sex education class. I
think you'll find the diagram they used very interesting
and helpful to your thinking. It's on the next page.
The Road to Sexual Arousal and Intercourse
N
e
c
k
i
n
g |
Holding hands
Hugging
Casual kissing (peck kissing)
--------------------------------------The
Line
Prolonged kissing |
L P
i e
g t
h t
t i
n
g |
French kissing (including the last
stages of necking - ears, neck)
Breasts covered
Breasts bared |
H P
e e
a t
v t
y i
n
g |
Genitals covered
Genitals bared
Oral sex
Genital to genital |
Now note that they drew a line I've
labelled "The Line." You wanted an honest answer to
"How far is too far?" Well, for whatever my personal
opinion is worth, here is is. I don't believe most healthy
Christians in a dating relationship, whatever their
age, can progress much beyond this point without asking
for trouble because it will cause them to transgress.
If you and your date are honestly committed to saving
sex for marriage, you need to realise that past this
line you begin to arouse in each other desires that
cannot be righteously fulfilled outside of marriage.
That gets us back to that standard again.
Let me point of right her one
more key point in the progressive nature of physical
expression that you need to be aware of in dating.
This is the factor of time. If you spend a lot of
time with a girl you enjoy being with, your relationship
will grow to the point where you feel more and more
comfortable expressing yourselves more and more physically
with each other. This happens even if you aren't really
moving along the progression chart from one stage
to the next. This is important to remember, especially
if you and your date are too young to be even think
about marriage, or even if you are older but have
several years to wait before you go through the progression,
the more difficult it is to slow down or stay at that
level.
So, Sean, it's important for you
to realise that you need to make a decision where
you personally will draw the "line" in your dating
relationships. Otherwise, you may easily find that
you wind up doing some things that you would never
believed you could possibly do. And that decision
needs to be made at a moment when you are thinking
clearly about this whole question, that is, long before
the passion hits. So many teens tell me that wen they
"draw the line" or set the standards ahead of time
it is easier to stick to their convictions in the
face of pressure to get involved sexually. It will
help you from making a mistake you'll regret later.
I know you've heard it said that
Christians should never date non-Christians. This
advice always tends to sound kind of rigid, but it's
value lies right here in this same principle - the
progressive nature of physical and sexual attraction.
Any girl/guy relationship that has a real chance of
getting beyond the first meeting or date also has
a chance of moving all the way to a marriage commitment.
Face it, you'll never marry someone you didn't date
the first time, and the second and so on.
"How far is too far?" Sean, you
can seek advice, as you've wisely done. But in the
end, the decision is really yours, and whether you
will live by the advice will depend on the strength
of your commitment to Christ and the presence of the
Holy Spirit in you. You see, if you are growing in
your relationship with Christ, and learning more and
more about Him and about what the Bible teaches, asking
yourself the question, "What would Jesus do?" will
give you guidelines for behaviour. Son, in all of
history who is the ideal example of how to treat people
in relationships? You're right - Jesus. Following
His example and teachings will enable you to really
enjoy yourself in your dating relationships and to
walk through them without constantly feeling like
you're having to buck the rules and limits. You know,
as we have often chatted about, the Christian life
is a living relationship with Christ, not an exercise
in religious rule-keeping.
So you see, if we are walking
close to Jesus, the question is no longer "How far
is too far?" or "How close is too close?" In other
words, you will be making the decision of how
far you should go, based on your love for Christ and
your honest caring for each other.
Well, son, I hope I've been some
help. I love you so much, guy, as a son and as a good
buddy. I'm so proud of the excellent qualities and
character I see emerging in you as a mature, now more
rapidly than ever. After you've read this and have
given these ideas some thought, maybe a heart-to-heart
talk about it all can fill in some of the cracks and
round off some of the edges. I'm ready when you are.
Love,
Dad
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