This is one of the funniest routines ever done. It originally appeared in an Abbott and Costello film, but it never gets old. The lines by themselves will not carry an audience, so don't read it. The lines must be memorised completely-it's impossible to do it any other way. Trying to think it through is much too confusing. Timing is very important. The dialogue must flow, varying in speed and volume, so that the skit climaxes two or three times.

The first man is a sports announcer; the second is the coach of a baseball team. The second guy can be dressed appropriately, with a baseball cap, whistle, and so on.

Spectator

I understand you used to coach a baseball team.

Coach

Yes, I did. It was a pretty good team, in fact.

Spectator

Were your players good enough to make the big leagues?

Coach

Well, yes.

Spectator

Hey, why don't you tell us some of their names because they might be famous some day.

Coach

O.K. Let's see, on the bases we have-Who's on first, What's on second, and l Don't-Know's on third

Spectator

Wait a minute. You're the manager of the team, aren't you?

Coach

Yes.

Spectator

You're supposed to know all the fellows' names?

Coach

Of course.

Spectator

O.K., then, the first baseman's name.

Coach

Who.

Spectator

The guy on first.

Coach

Who.

Spectator

The first baseman

Coach

Who is on first base.

Spectator

I'm asking you who's on first base.

Coach

That's the man's name.

Spectator

That's whose name?

Coach

Yes.

Spectator

Look, all I want to know is, what's the name of the guy on first base?

Coach

No, no-What's on second.

Spectator

Who's on second?

Coach

Who's on first.

Spectator

I don't know.

Coach

He's on third.

Spectator

Third base? Look-how did we get on third base?

Coach

Well, you mentioned the man's name.

Spectator

Whose name?

Coach

No, Who is on first.

Spectator

I don't know.

Coach

He's on third.

Spectator

Hey, if I mentioned the guy's name, who did I say was on third?

Coach

Who is on first.

Spectator

I'm not asking you who's on first ...

Coach

Who is on first.

Spectator

I want to know what's the name of the guy on third base.

Coach

No. What's on second.

Spectator

Who's on second?

Coach

Who's on first.

Spectator

I don't know!

Both

Third base.

Spectator

All right. just forget the infield. Let's go to the outfield. Do you have a left fielder?

Coach

Of course we have a left fielder.

Spectator

The left fielder's name.

Coach

Why.

Spectator

Well, I just thought I'd ask.

Coach

Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Spectator

Then go ahead and tell me. What's the left fielder's name?

Coach

What's on second.

Spectator

Who's on second?

Coach

Who's on first.

Spectator

I don't know!

Both

Third base.

Spectator

Let's try again, The left fielder's name?

Coach

Why.

Spectator

Because.

Coach

No, he's our center fielder.

Spectator(exasperated)

Look. Let's go back to the infield. Do you pay your guys anything?

Coach

Yes, as a matter of fact, we give them a little something for uniforms

Spectator

O.K. Look, it's payday and all the guys are lined up to get paid. The first baseman is standing at the front of the line. Now he reaches out to you to accept his money. Now, who gets the money?

Coach

That's right.

Spectator

So who gets the money?

Coach

Why not? He's earned it.

Spectator

Who has?

Coach

Certainly. Why sometimes even his mother takes the money for him.

Spectator

Whose mother?

Coach

Yes.

Spectator

Look. All I am trying to find out is what's the name of your first baseman.

Coach

What's on second.

Spectator

Who's on second?

Coach

Who's on first.

Spectator

I don't know!

Coach

Third base.

Spectator

O.K. OK, I'll try again. Do you have a pitcher?

Coach

Of course we have a pitcher. What kind of team would we be without a pitcher?

Spectator

The pitcher's name?

Coach

Tomorrow.

Spectator

What time?

Coach

What time what?

Spectator

What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?

Coach

How many times do I have to tell you? Who is on first.

Spectator

You say who's on first one more time and I'll break your arm. I want to know what's your pitcher's name?

Coach

What's on second.

Spectator

Who's on second?

Coach

Who's on first.

Ist man

I don't know!

Coach

He's on third.

Spectator

The catcher's name?

Coach

Today.

Spectator

Today. Tomorrow. What kind of team is this? All right. Let me set up hypothetical play. Now, Tomorrow's pitching. Today's catching. I am up at bat Tomorrow pitches to me and I bunt the ball down the first base line. Today being the good catcher that he is, runs down the first base line, picks up the ball and throws it to the first baseman. Now, when he throws the ball to the first baseman. who gets the ball?

Coach

That's the first right thing you've said all night.

Spectator

I don't even know what I'm talking about. Look, if he throws the ball to first, somebody has to catch it. So who gets the ball?

Coach

Naturally.

Spectator

Who catches it?

Coach

Naturally.

Ist man:.

Ohhhhhh. Today picks up the ball and throws it to Naturally

Coach

He does nothing of the kind. He throws the ball to Who.

Spectator

Naturally.

Coach

Right.

Spectator

I just said that. You say it.

Coach

He picks up the ball and throws it to Who.

Spectator

Naturally.

Coach

That's what I'm saying.

Spectator

Look. Bases are loaded. Somebody gets up to bat and hits a line drive to Who. Who throws to What. What throws to I-Don't-Know. Triple Play! Next batter gets up and hits a long ball to Why. Because? I Don't Know! No, he's on third and I don't give a darn!

Coach

What?

Spectator

I said I don't give a darn!

Coach

Hey, he's our shortstop!